


beautiful

by withfeeling



Series: Stray Kids Requests [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 00:19:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19345684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withfeeling/pseuds/withfeeling
Summary: He sits on the bench and stares at his feet, then the ground, and the sky. He doesn’t look at the water. The water scares him. By looking at it, he is reminded of his true intent in coming to the bridge. A metal railing is all that separates him from the deadly waters below.(Or, Hyunjin hates being called beautiful.)





	beautiful

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunsiyeon (bitterlix)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitterlix/gifts).



Even as a child, Hyunjin was praised for being attractive. Old women would bend over and pinch his cheeks adoringly, while his mom bragged to her friends on the phone about her beautiful child as they listened enviously. He knew he was beautiful. He soon realized that people liked him because he was beautiful.

 

At first, his ego was atrociously inflated, but this was normal for a young boy who had been vainly praised for all of his life. But as he grew older, these compliments made him uncomfortable. It made him self conscious to have his appearance constantly critiqued. By objectifying a child, so young and impressionable, it degraded him to the status of a mere object. He was nothing more than long lashes and pouty lips; just a pretty _thing_ for others to admire.

 

He started to feel lost. _Beautiful_ was the only trait he possessed. Since his personality had been entirely diminished by vanity, his self worth had become entirely dependent on his appearance and approval from others. Becoming perfectly beautiful became the only thing he endeavored to do in his life.

 

 _“Beautiful,”_ His seventh grade math teacher whispered against his lips.

 

 _“Be quiet, doll,”_ His teacher sneered. Hyunjin started to cry. His teacher shoved a repulsive hand down the front of his uniform slacks.

 

 _Is this beautiful?_ Hyunjin wondered desperately. The door clicked softly shut, as his teacher left him on the linoleum floor of his classroom. Slowly, he dragged his weary and used body off of the floor. He wiped his tears fiercely with resent; he had always been an ugly crier.

 

During his last year of middle school, Hyunjin walked past Mapo Bridge nearly every day. Most people called it  _Suicide_ _Bridge_. Pictures of families, cheerful messages, and hotlines were posted on any available space.

 

He would sit on a bench and stare at his feet, or the ground, or the sky. He never looked at the water. The water scared him. By looking at it, he was reminded of his true intent in coming to the bridge. A metal railing was all that separated him from the deadly water below.

 

Of course, he had considered jumping, but he wanted to be remembered as something meaningful, something greater than just _pretty._ So each day he would leave the bridge, unharmed and determined, he _would_ be more than just something that existed for others pleasure and enjoyment. Then, he supposed, it would be alright to let the waves swallow him up.

 

Divine intervention was the only explanation for how he was accepted by SOPA. He was talentless, since virtually his only skill was being attractive. Somehow, he passed his audition for the school, through dance. They said he was a _natural,_ that they had never seen someone move so fluidly without years of training.

 

 _Elegant,_ they had called his dancing. But still, an insidious voice in the back of his mind crooned. It told him that he was only admitted because of his looks. He knew it was right.

 

Despite what he initially believed, Hyunjin soon realized that he did have a natural ability for dance. He poured his soul into it and lost himself. But he found hope.

 

When he danced, he was more than just beautiful; he was talented, graceful, ethereal. No one cared very much what he looked like while he was on stage, since his dancing was so enticing. After years of merely enduring life, he finally knew what living felt like.

 

 _Beautiful,_ His dance teacher praised him after his first performance.

 

He smiled at her.

 

* * *

 

Hyunjin was scouted by JYP. On a random street corner they approached him and handed him a card; just another painful reminder that he was nothing more than his looks. When he auditioned for JYP, he thought they’d immediately reject him. Sure, he could dance, and he was obviously attractive, but he couldn’t sing or rap and the agency already had plenty of beautiful trainees, they didn’t need him. Instead, he was called back for a second audition.

 

At his second audition they asked him to sing and rap. He had little training in those areas, and knew he wasn’t very good at either, and yet the agency sent him a letter congratulating his acceptance as a trainee just a week later.

 

 _“I guess when you’re hot, you don’t need to have talent,”_ Some girl on line at his audition had muttered obnoxiously as he walked past her.

 

It stung, but only added to Hyunjin’s resolve to improve. He would prove her wrong; he would show them all.

 

He entered the company bright eyed and bushy tailed, eager to begin his life as a trainee. It felt so surreal, he worried that he might wake up suddenly and realize it was all just a fevered dream. But it wasn’t a dream, and he began his new life.

 

As most trainees do, he was running himself into the ground; wake up, go to school, go to practice, do homework, cry himself to sleep, rinse and repeat. He knew that he couldn’t afford to slow down though. His first evaluation was approaching swiftly and he had to be perfect.

 

His hard work paid off; his dance skills were praised, and though his rapping was still subpar, he was encouraged to continue working on his rapping, since they decided that his improvement showed promise. The evaluation was almost over, and he wondered if it was too good to be true. As life goes: _it was._

 

“Well, Hyunjin, you have shown us excellent improvement in a multitude of skills. Keep it up,” The lady glanced at her clipboard and flipped the page.

 

“You’re very handsome, but—please don’t take this the wrong way—,” She paused and almost seemed apprehensive. “The company believes your looks would be further enhanced if you dropped a few kilos.”

 

Hyunjin gulped and nodded, bowing silently before leaving the room. He knew if he spoke he’d start crying. For the first time in his life, Hyunjin wasn’t beautiful enough. The core pillar of his being was apparently crumbling.

 

He started to run daily, at first just one kilometer, but it soon grew to a staggering ten. He cut out almost every food that wasn’t purely protein. He would do jumping jacks into the late hours of the night, and feel sorry for the person in the dormitory beneath his.

 

That person happened to be Jeongin.

 

One day, as Hyunjin was halfway through his set of jumping jacks, he heard a knock at his door. Nervously, he opened it a crack. A boy, probably not much younger than Hyunjin, who was leaning against his door frame, greeted him.

 

“Hello?” Hyunjin asked.

 

“Listen man, I’m trying to sleep, and your jumping really isn’t doing me any favors. So, uhh—.”

 

“Hyunjin.”

 

“Okay, so Hyunjin, can you please quit it?”

 

“Fine. It’s not like I can say no, right?” Hyunjin grumbled.

 

“You’re so skinny, you don’t need to anyway,” The boy pushed past Hyunjin and sat on his bed.

 

“Hey, did I say you could come in? I don’t even know your name!”

 

“Jeongin,” The boy smiled cheekily, ignoring the first half of what Hyunjin said.

 

“Well then, _Jeongin_ , get out of my room.”

 

“Why? I’ve seen you at school and around the agency, and you seem lonely.”

 

“Excuse you, I’m very happy—.”

 

“I’m lonely, too. So, friends?” Jeongin interrupted.

 

Hyunjin paused for a moment in shock.

 

“Sure, why not,” Hyunjin sighed, and plopped onto his bed next to Jeongin.

 

Hyunjin and Jeongin grew close quickly. They did everything together; went to school together, ate together, cuddled together. It wasn’t surprising that when Chan recruited them for his group it was, well, together. They were a package deal no matter what.

 

Halfway through the survival show, Hyunjin asked Jeongin to be his boyfriend.

 

“Took you long enough,” Jeongjin breathed between kisses.

 

“Fucking finally,” Minho muttered when they entered the dorm, hands linked together tightly. But then he winked good naturedly, and Jeongjin laughed, pressing a smiling kiss to Hyunjin’s cheek.

 

For the first time in his life, Hyunjin felt genuinely happy.

 

Unfortunately, nothing ever lasts forever.

 

When Stray Kids debuted, Hyunjin was given the title of visual. All his hard work in the studio and efforts in distancing himself from childhood trauma were erased by just a single word. He was once again reduced to a talentless object, _just a pretty face._

 

“What’s wrong? Hyunjin, _please,”_ Jeongin had begged him.

 

He was too afraid and ashamed to respond, and continued to silently sob into Jeongin’s shoulder.

 

Hyunjin ventured down the dark path he had avoided for many years.

 

 _Cute._ He hadn’t slept in three days. 

 

 _Pretty._ His wrists bled as though they were weeping in sorrow for him.

 

 _Gorgeous._ Sweat dripped down his spine as he ran into the hot summer night.

 

 _Stunning._ His cheeks grew hollow and his ribs became daggers hidden beneath his skin.

 

 _Charming._ He collapsed like a dead weight during a midnight dance rehearsal.

 

 _Enchanting._ Jeongin’s tears soaked Hyunjin’s shirt. Together they lay on the cool tile in front of the toilet.

 

 _Alluring._ His bandmates watched helplessly as he destroyed himself.

 

 _Beautiful._ Hyunjin thought, as he stared into the choppy waves beneath Mapo Bridge.


End file.
